Holiday special
by cornwallace
Summary: We wish you a merry yiffins and a fappy new year.


He snaps his fingers and points at his own reflection, winking. Sonic doesn't consider anyone else to be nearly as cool as hedgehogo el numero uno. Cool doesn't even enter into it, really since he's way past (that).  
Nobody else could come up with something so genius for the holidays. Nobody but Sonic the hedgehog could think to dress like WaLuigi on Old Columbo's Eve. Obscure enough to be hip and asinine enough to be a meme, he's dressed to impress to the maximum forever and beyond.

It's time to go, doll. "It's time to juice! Waaa! Haha!"

Rearing up for takeoff, we find our little blue and purple hero disappearing through his seemingly closed bathroom door, out of his house, down the street and to the meeting place in the culdisac in 2.3 seconds. Whoa! That's fast!

"Where IS everybody?!" He demands the universe, tapping his foot impatiently with his fists on his hips.

Zzz-cshh. Zzz-csh. Zzz-csh. "HAI SONIC!" Tails exclaims happily, approaching in his RoboCop outfit. Wwrrwrrwwrrrwrrr

"Tails! What do you think of my costume, little buddy? Waaa!"

"Um it's great? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MINE?!"

"Tails, you wear that stupid outfit every year. I don't give a shit. What do you mean 'um it's great?'?

Sonic is tapping his foot impatiently again. Sonic is not a patient hedgehog. Sonic taps his foot and puts his hands on his hips to establish this through body language. Sometimes he frowns. He's a very deep and intricate character and I am a good writer and if you don't think I'm a good writer please put why you don't think I'm a good writer in the comments but please make sure to like and subscribe so I get popular anyway please thank you.

"IT'S AN ACTUAL REPLICA OF THE SUIT FROM THE MOVIE FIT TO MY SPECIFICATIONS. It takes seventeen hours to put on. When I get out of it, my junk smells like bad crab meat."

"That's disgusting. Why did you tell me that? Please don't tell me things like that."

"SORRY. What are you supposed to be, anyway? It seems racist."

"Waa!"

"What?"

"Waaaaa! I'm WaLuigi! I think I'm supposed to be Italian."

"That's racist," Tails says. "Are you excited about candy?"

"That's not racist, okay? I'm not a racist. If it is racist, it was racist before me and it's not my fault."

"But are you excited for candy?"

"What? Are you listening? Of course I'm excited for candy. What?"

"I am also excited for candy."

"Are you listening, boy? Of course you're excited for candy. Waa. I'm not a racist."

"Candy is good," Tails says.

A/N(that means author's note, okay? [So if I do that again like this: A/N: and type something after it like this, that means it's an author's note and it's not exactly part of the story, maybe just what I was thinking at the time.]): I think I'm a pretty good writer.

"I hate you, Tails."

"Sup chumps," Amy says, muffled, through her rubber mask.

"Amy! What do you think of my costume?!"

"Uh. It's... purple? Also cool to see you rocking the RoboCop again, Tails. Sick."

"THANKS. I paid an obscene amount for this thing, I'm not gonna stop wearing it until it breaks or it doesn't fit."

"Purple?! Waaa!"

"I'd do the same. It even has the gun holster and everything, right?"

Zzzzz-csssssshh. Tails reaches down to his thigh, which opens up and spits out a gun holster. He draws the monster of a handgun and flips it around his finger, TJ Laser style. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"

"Fuck you both," Sonic sez no says. "Fuck both of you."

"I'd buy that for a dollar!" Amy says. "Haha!"

"Are you excited for candy?"

"Yeah! I-"

"Shut up," Sonic sez no says. "What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?"

"I'm RoboCop!"

"Shut up, Tails. You."

"I'm the 23rd United States American president, duh."

"BARAKKA OSAMA OBAMA! BARAKKA OSAMA OBAMA!" Zzz-csh zzz-csh. Zzz-csh zzz-csh. Tails is doing the robot while he shouts this. Zzz-csh zzz-csh. Zzz-csh zzz-csh. "BARAKKA OSAMA OBAMA! BARAKKA OSAMA OBAMA! Haha!"

Sonic shakes his head in disgust.

"Siiiick Marylin Monroe, E," Amy says.

"Beep boop beep! Beep beep!" E-102 Gamma's dress flutters upwards and she shyly tries in vain to cover herself.

"WOAH," Tails says, pointing. Zzzzzz "CAN YOU DO THAT ON COMMAND?"

"Why are you always shouting?" Sonic axes no asks.

"Beep boop! Boop!"

"That's fuckin' awesome," Amy says, muffled.

"Boop bop. Bopalopdop."

"Yeah! Obamacare!"

"WRRRRRRRRR."

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me! Haha!"

"Guys shut up," Sonic says no sez. "What do you think of MY costume?"

"Beep boop."

"Oh," Sonic psys no sighs.

"Salutations friends," Rouge's many voices boom from the outskirts of the universe. "Are you guys excited about candy?"

"I AM EXCITED ABOUT CANDY YOU KNOW I AM EXCITED ABOUT CANDY." zzzrrrr-csh

"Yeah!"

"Beep boop zoopadoop!"

"Of course we're all excited about ca- can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Sonic."

"What do you think of my costume?"

Rouge extends the probe of her being, a colossal spiraling worm of enormous proportion, comprised of demon and mobian and human alike, in fact all creatures that have ever died in this universe compacted into a monstrous spiraling worm of suffering. The head of this unthinkable abomination approaches the world for a better look.

"Seems racist." The billions of voices speak simultaneously and directly to your soul.

"Racist? Go fuck yourself. Your costume is stupid. What is your costume?"

"I am the maelstrom," Rouge explains. "I am the collective leavings of death. I am eternal suffering. I am your ultimate destiny."

"Yeah, well, that's fucking stupid."

"I THINK IT'S PRETTY NEAT," Tails interjects. "Where did you buy it?"

"I made it myself," Rouge says simultaneously demonically and angelically. "I'm glad you like it. I see you're RoboCop again this year. That is radical."

"THANKS!"

"And I see you're the 23rd American United States president, Amy."

"OBAMACAAAARE!"

"I might add, that is a delightfully convincing Marylin Monroe, E-102 Gamma."

"Beep boop. Beep boop beep!" E-102 Gamma does the thing.

"Incredible. Are you able to do that on command?"

"Beep!"

"YOU GUYS READY TO JUICE?!" Shadow asks, approaching and plugging his nostrils with his fingers jammed good and up there giving a totally nasal quality to his voice.

"Dude. What. The. FUCK."

"That is wonderful. You are Sonic the hedgehog."

"I CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE IS WHICH." Tails says, out of breath.

"Beep boop!"

"Blueface, dude? Seriously? Fucking. SERIOUSLY?!"

"WHAT MAN? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE WAYYY PAST STOKED!"

"I don't sound like that."

"GOTTA JUICE!"

"You are a horrible excuse for a Mobian, you know that? A real sack of shit. See that, guys? That's racist."

"HOW CAN THAT BE RACIST?" Tails snorts. "He's a hedgehog. He looks just like you, really."

"CHILIDOGS!"

"Beep boop!"

"Yeah," Amy laughs. "He does say that all the time!"

"I DO NOT. Fuck you, Shadow, go home. I'm not gonna put up with this."

"BUT I NEED CHILIDOGS." Shadow waves his plastic rings about all spastic like. "I NEED MY CHILIDOGS BRO. I RUN FROM MY EMOTIONS AND CHOW DOWN ON CHILIDOGS."

"That was a balls on impersonation," Rouge's many voices slither through the very fiber of your being. "I am impressed."

"THANKS ROUGE. HOW ABOUT WE GO GET A CHILIDOG?! I AM IMPRESSED BY THE WAY YOU SHOW OFF YOUR MANY DEFORMED AND SUFFERING BREASTS. IT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF HOW I AM DEAD INSIDE. HEY! DO YOU GUYS SMELL CHILIDOGS?!"

"I will fuck you to death you pompous slime," Sonic mutters between his teeth. "I will force my dick through your very soul."

"THE ONLY ELONGATED MEAT I SUCK DOWN IS CHILIDOGS BRO. SAY, YOU GOT ONE? I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR A CHILIDOG!"

"How is this okay?!" Sonic demands from the universe.

"Stop being such a baby," Tails says.

"I agree," Rouge says. "It's a very tasteful representation. Honestly, I think it should win costume of the year."

"Beep boop."

"Ballin'," Amy says.

"Fuck all of you."

"ONLY FOR SOME CHILIDOGS!"

"HEY GUYS CANDY!" Zzz-csh! Zzz-csh! "LET'S GO GET SOME CANDY NOW THAT WE ARE ALL HERE."

"Beep boop! Boop boop!"

"CANDY!" all the rest of them shout in unison, except for Sonic the hedgehog, who is tapping his foot and digging his knuckles into his sides.

The gang tramples Sonic into a confused mess of frustration, and he catches up immediately. They pick a house and literally kick in the doorway.

"MY FACE IS ON TOO TIGHT!" they scream, and the terrified couple hucks handfuls of candy bars at them, screaming and making gutteral noises. Thus is the tradition of Old Columbo's Eve.

"Looks like Rouge can't fit through the door!" Sonic shrieks into the sky, showing a disgusting display of satisfaction at the hands of someone else's suffering. "LOOKS LIKE ROUGE DOESN'T GET ANY CANDY! HA! AHAHAHA! WHOSE COSTUME IS STUPID NOW?"

"I am the will of death and consume the candy astrally. For every bar you consume, the each of you, I consume uncountable bars. I am the death. I am the sugar."

"I hate you," Sonic sez no says.

"LOOK OVER THERE!" Tails says, pointing. "Let's go over there, go over there!"

"Why did you repeat yourself."

"I say we go over there, go over there," Rouge says. "I am sensing strong candies."

"That's Pumpkin Hill, though," Rouge says, muffled through her mask. "That's where the dead are piled into grody garbage."

"Grody garbage," says the 23rd president of the American United States. "Ickies."

"Icky stickies," Sonic chimes in.

"YOU ARE NOT SONIC AND YOU WILL NEVER BE SONIC," WaLuigi says? Or something?

Who cares.

"BEEP BOOP!" E-102 Gamma says, awkwardly discharging his body across the landscape and barreling into Pumpkin Hill.

"LET'S FOLLOW E-102 GAMMA!" the group says collectively, except for Sonic, who plants his hands on his hips and taps his foot impatiently. They run and catch up.

"OH WOW!" Tails exclaims irregularly, his eyeballs suckling the letters teats from the informationsign. "A HAUNTED HOUSE FULL OF CANDY."

"No haunted house is full of candy," Amy says skeptically. "I'm calling bullcracker."

"I like crackers," the maelstrom says. "Saltine crackers."

"Boop. Boop. Boop."

"MAYBE THE HAUNTED HOUSE HAS CHILIDOGS," Sonic sez, charging the front lines.

Everyone follows. Except Sonic, who reluctantly follows. They kck in the door and suddenly they all black out.

* * *

The group somehow wakes up inside of a shed in a pile. A Tv in the corner flickers on with obnoxious static before settling.

"Let's play a game," obviously Robotnik says, dressed up as Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. "We all obviously want candy? But how to get candy? WaLuigi. Your life sucks. You desperately want candy. RoboCop. Your life sucks. You desperately want candy. The 23rd president of the American United States, Barakka Osama Obama. You Obamacare about candy. The maelstrom. A desperate void of death and suffering, any candy you could get would ease the pain. Marylin Monroe. You clearly care about vicodin. I can give you that. And lots of other candies. Sonic the hedgehog. You do meth, right? We have that and all sorts of other candy."

"Woah," Amy says, "he seems to have us all figured out!"

"Fuck you, Amy, I hope you goddamn die," Sonic sez no says.

"WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO FOR THE CANDY?!"

"The answer is simple, but the delivery is not. You will have to kill one another in order to re-"

"BOOP BOOP!" E-102 Gamma shrieks before storming towards Sonic and bashing him to death with its cold, hard metal arms. Blood all over its dress, it does the thing, wailing. "WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"You, uh. " Robotnik starts. "You weren't supposed to start killing yet."

"BLEEP BLOOP! BLEEP BLOOP!" E-102 Gamma shouts, awkwardly repositioning himself across the room and up to the monitor. "BLEEP BLORP! WAAAAAAAAAA!"

"I'm sorry but you don't earn any cand-"

"WAAAAAA!" E-102 Gamma smashes the monitor into a mess of sparks and electricity. "WAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAA!"

"Hey, dude," Sonic sez no says. "You're supposed to be Marylin Monroe, don't go stealing my ac-"

E-102 Gamma bashes himself into a hallow shell of destruction and sparks. Life and death. Light and dark. Listen to the sizzle, fucker. It's important.

"HOLY MOTHER OF A FICTIONAL DIETY!" Tails says.

"Maybe not so fictional," Amy retorts, snorting.

"Boop beep."

"Please," The billions upon billions of voices speak softly and harshly from the sky. "Let's keep this civilized. Two of us are dead."

"I'll... suck... your.. dick... for... a... chilidog," the broken piece of Mobian says from the ground, twitching and bleeding and rotting his way to the maelstrom.

"SONIC" Tails sobs, not realizing it's Shadow.

"SONIC!" the rest of them cry, not realizing it's shadow.

"I love you, Sonic," Tails sobs into his crotch. Nuzzling. "I LOVE YOU."

"I love you too you worthless blue sack of shit!" Amy cries into her rubber mask, which she grinds against his breast.

"When his brain gives up hope he will become one of us," the maelstrom says. "From then on he will experience suffering for beyond an eternity."

"At least," Tails sniffs, "he's in a better place now."

"At least he's in a better place now," Amy's muffled voice chimes in.

"At least he's in a better place now," the voices of billions of creatures, the living and the dead, all suffering say so.

"At least I'm in a better place now," the corpse of the real Sonic sings, and nobody seems to notice. He dances out of his body like a ballerina from a music box, and waits eagerly to be taken away. But he isn't taken away, no. Instead he is shrouded in darkness, he feels his skins, his organs, his bones, stretching, molding. He screams, horrified beyond imagination. Every sensation in his entire body, every sense intensified. It would be overwhelming, to say the least, to be doing nothing – muchl less being astrally torn asunder. His skin is ripped apart in such fine divisions they are not even visible by the mobian eye – as his very soul is slowly, agonizingly torn from his worthless body. He has time to think over his every regret, his every blunder, his every mistake. He has time to recount every single horrible thing he's ever done, thought, felt. He has time to torture himself for an eternity, torturing himself tantamount to the indescribable horrors his body and soul are forced through as he becomes part of the maelstrom. Every agonizing second lasts a thousand years, as his endless tortured screams echo throughout the hereafter.

"What are we gonna do now?" Tails asks.

"Well, we want candy, don't we?" Amy asks, fitting her mask.

"Of course," the maelstrom notes hungrily. The voices of a billion tortured creatures bleeds through her speech like a severed artery through a small handful of disorganized paper towels. "Candy sounds good. Candy sounds... delicious."

* * *

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End file.
